I strive to be positive on my blog so that I can focus on the good things in life, not because I want to portray a false image. Some days are wonderful and blissful- just hanging out with my little boy who has STARTED SMILING AT HIS MAMA!-and some are really, really hard with a newborn, even with one as mild tempered as Charlie. So here's my truth these days...
-Nursing is really hard. It hurts. It's frustrating. It makes me cry sometimes. Charlie has a tiny mouth and getting him to latch on properly is really difficult, especially when he's crying and his hands are flailing and I'm tired and there's milk spraying him in the face. He was able to get enough to eat early on but it's only been the last week and a half that I haven't been in pain while nursing. It's still really uncomfortable, but not painful anymore. I hope that it continues to improve!
-Charlie is a good sleeper, sometimes. There are nights when he will sleep for four or five or six hours in a row and then there are nights where I'm up every two hours with him and feeding him for an hour.
-Baby blues are definitely present in my life but are manifesting in different ways than a typical depression. Last night after having a great day with Charlie, I found myself grumpy and short with John for no reason. I also have feelings of inadequacy and frustration that another day has gone by and my (not very ambitious) to-do list isn't any shorter.
-Ironically, despite the lack of sleep, I have insomnia. John and Charlie will both be fast asleep and I will be wide awake. If I take even a five-minute nap during the day, I have guaranteed myself trouble falling asleep that night.
-It's a big struggle to take a shower or eat a real meal, let alone do laundry, dishes, or sweep the floor. This morning I discovered ants in the bathroom. It took me five hours to get a minute to get in there to vacuum them up.
So there you have it the negatives.
Even with all the hard things, motherhood is wonderful. I love being with Charlie and I love that he needs and wants me more than any other person on earth. He's so sweet and pleasant and he reserves his most sweet smiles and coos for me, usually first thing in the morning. I'm grateful that I had such a great pregnancy, birth and recovery and that Charlie and I are both healthy and strong. Life is good but so different and strange-it's definitely hard to figure out our new normal.
ugh! the insomnia/need-to-sleep thing is the worst! and then, when you finally do get a shower, you just fall asleep right there on the tile. only waking up when the water turns cold. or maybe that's just me...
ReplyDeleteIt's good to hear the honest part of being a mother...those of us that are soon to be mothers appreciate hearing the reality of it all. Keep it coming!
ReplyDeleteAmen! Isn't it nice to know that even though you may feel alone, you are not, every mother in the world has been there, and none of them have the "I had it worse" attitude, they all have the "I sympathize with you, and wish I could help" attitude. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI told you at your baby shower everything I felt when each of my children were born (I think the bigger shock was the first baby.) I'm always here to talk to as someone who understands and who has much empathy.
ReplyDeleteWhat a fantastic mother!! I hope that you know that every mom feels what you are feeling. I remember nursing Hayden and crying, wondering if I could nurse Hayden one more time because it hurt so bad. You may feel inadequate, but everyone does and I KNOW that you are doing absolutely wonderful and Charlie has the best mom ever. I'm so glad that we met your family and spent time with you last summer! Keep in touch, and get some sleep. :)
ReplyDeleteEverything you described I also felt in those first few months. I'm just barely starting to get back to feeling like I need to put things on my "to do" list. I shed so many tears in those first weeks and it's hard because you are so happy to have this new little baby but it's definitely overwhelming. I think it takes guts to admit that motherhood is hard; and all of us who have been there know exactly what you are going through!
ReplyDeleteOh honey, I'm sending you long distance hugs! The first year is so incredibly hard to adjust and the lack of sleep just magnifies it. Lehi isn't too far away from you if you need someone to come do the dishes- I'll be there!!
ReplyDeleteFirst of Charlie is so cute! And, he's SO tiny. Secondly, if you ever need to talk to somebody about the nursing thing I'm all ears. I think I've pretty much been through everything and would love to help if I can. It sounds like you have a great doula though. I loved this post. Not because I want things to be hard for you, but because it's so nice to know I'm not the only one who is having a hard time with a newborn and struggling. Thanks for keeping it real!
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